Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Pitch of the Week: Leap Year


John Cusack is Chuck Furman, a high school teacher with an obsession with ancient history. In his research, he has discovered information from a reliable scroll that on February 29th, 2012, the world will end. He must do everything in his power to battle time and physics to stop this day from coming and save the human race.


LEAP YEAR
The most important additional day of your life




The Hollywood Defender

The Essence of Love: Flo-Rider


I’m in love. No, not with the She-Hulk, that's over, for good. It’s different this time. I never felt this way before. 

She’s beautiful. Her hair cascades down her head only held back by a navy blue head band dam. Her lips are sleek like two red Ferraris parked right on top of each other begging you to take a ride (lipstick MAC: Ladybug, yes I know this). She wears a white apron over her pearly white skin, no not for cooking, rather for pure sex appeal. And she wears two buttons. Just two.

Yeah, I’m talking about Flo. Progressive Auto Insurance Flo.


It’s as if Ned Ryerson had a really hot and sexy daughter, who followed in his professional footsteps.

 I now own auto, home, boat, life, motorcycle, mobile home, non-mobile home, and pet insurance. I have very few of these items, most notably a life.

But I never noticed that I was attracted or even remotely interested in this woman or goddess. But perhaps we have spent enough time together over the years that we were basically in a relationship, but I didn’t know it. I’ve seen her commercials so many times over the past 4 years that she’s become a part of me.

I was watching television the other night and then there she was again in her ultra-clean sterile work environment.

Then I said it. And it wasn’t so much “said” as it was squeeked. It was spontaneous and immediate like a involuntary spasm of streaming consciousness, “ God, I want to fuck Flo.”

My first thought was that she heard me.

My second thought, “O, there’s other people in the room with me.” One who I’m dating, The Defendress, two being, one of my best friends.

They both just looked at me for a while. I guess they didn’t want to have sexual relations with the hottest insurance model ever.

I’m still quite embarrassed that I said, “fuck,” you don’t “fuck” a woman like Flo, you make love with Flo. You share embraces, kisses, and caresses. You massage each other and quote insurance quotes in French.

Yes, I realize that she’s an actress playing an imaginary character named Flo, but researching who she was would simply ruin this dream. Why can’t there be a woman out there somewhere, who creates robots in her likeness to sell car insurance? Flobot
(I'm trying not to imagine a threesome. I have failed.)

I wish I could moralize the whole experience into some grand theme that could touch us all. However, I didn’t think “FLO-llow” Your Heart would catch on, and yet there it is because I’m too in love to write anything else.

Despite my intense cravings, I haven’t done anything super weird or kinky like bought my girlfriend an apron this week. 

I bought her two. True by the way.



The Hollywood Defender  And   F LO

Monday, February 27, 2012

JLo's Nipple and its Historical Significance for Earth


The word nipple first appeared, according to Dictionary.com around 1520-1530, apparently people were even unsure then to whether it appeared definitively or not. It’s etmology: "nyppell, alteration of neble, problably dim. Of O.E. (Olde English), neb “bill, beak, snout”, hence, lit. “a small projection.”-etymonline.com

According to Medical.net: Nipple: The pigmented projection on the surface of the breast. Ducts that conduct milk from the mammary glands to the surface of the breast exit through the nipple. The surrounding flat area of pigmentation is the areola.

The nipple has a strange capacity to blend in with the skin, we think we see it and then it's gone. I believe the military is working on a similar technology. (I wrote that part, not from the medical.net).

Nipples have always been popular, and hold strong demographics with babies and adult men. The height of their popularity was 2004 when Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed showing not only a nipple, but a nipple ring, which appeared for? I’d like to give you time to guess how long it appeared for dramatic effect.

And guess…

Done?

No cheating.

Ready?

No seriously, guess, please.

I COMMAND YOU.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

2013 Oscar Predictions, A Year Early, and Maybe Too Late


All of these will be right, unless the Mayans get to us first. 
Prediction: They won't. 

Best Picture:

The Dark Knight Rises- They gave an award to the third of LOR, I think if this movie is as good as everyone expects, it has to be considered the favorite. However, it might be so well liked, that Hollywood voters will decide they don’t like it anymore.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey- Will be visually stunning, will be well acted. And Peter Jackson taking over a project this large from Del Toro has to put him in the top runners for Best Director. Del Toro Leaves

Django Unchained- Tarantino takes on slavery, another revenge flick, but expect the most racist language you’ve ever heard, there will be n-bombs all over the place.

The Master- Paul Thomas Anderson is a favorite, films are always strong with great camera work and perfomances. Just think of the sequence shots in Boogie Nights The shot. I can’t imagine this changing with this film.

Untitled Terrence Malick project: Untitled, I’m in, the man takes a long time to write even titles it appears, but two years and two films. Strange.  I can only assume he needed to get this out because it was too good to keep inside for 15 years.

Possibles:
1. This is 40- The category needs a surefire comedy. This is it, and with Apatow writing and directing this will resonate. If not nominated people will be more upset than when Bridesmaids wasn’t.

2.Gatsby- A movie already over budget, at this time they stand at 125 million budget. However, I believe this to be a meta quote to show the extravagence of that the Roaring Twenties.

WINNER DARK KNIGHT RISES: Yes. And may ruin the Batman franchise because no sequel or restart will ever be as good. Thanks Nolan. And so goes Best Director, although the take over by Jackson may be more impressive feat.


Best Actor:

Jamie Foxx: For Django Unchained. Strong black leading role, not many out there in the first place, then add a writer like Tarantino. This is a done deal. Jamie Foxx will become the only African American actor with 2 best actor awards. And he deserves it.

Robert DeNiro: For Being Flynn. People are very excited about this performance and for good reason. DeNiro has been missing in action for a while, while still bringing everything he can to the roles he is offered. Definitely will give Foxx a run for his money in this category, nostalgia has to factor in. Trailer

Leonardo DiCaprio: Gatsby, he couldn’t get the nom for J Edgar, but here we go, taking on one of the greatest roles in American novels. If he doesn’t get in on Best Actor, he may go for Supporting.

Possible:
Paul Rudd: For This is 40. Rudd always excellent, no one quite plays nerdy the way he does. He’s going to dig into this though and may walk away with a nomination.

WINNER: Jamie Foxx.

Best Actress:

Meryl Streep for something, I’m not even checking if she’s making a movie this year.

Rachel McAdams: For Untitled Terrence Malick Film
Might be so good, we will relook at her performance in Sherlock Holmes.

Leslie Mann: For This is 40
One of the best comic actresses of the last 15 years. She will shine in this, with a role tailored by her husband, who knows her strengths better than anyone.

LOSER: Meryl Streep, duh. Losses and 2 wins


Best Supporting:

Kerry Washington: For Django Unchained. Best supporting actress, strong actress strong role. Done deal.

Whitney Houston: For Sparkle. If the movie is good at all, then she will get a nod. You know what, even if the movie isn’t, she still has a shot.

Anne Hathaway: For Dark Knight Rises as Catwoman. But judging how much she will be in the film, she really should be considered for Best Actress, however Heath Ledger wasn’t despite screen time. She will either win or won’t get nominated. Great or nothing.

WINNER: WHITNEY It’s going to be a moment, could be ruined by Bobby Brown accepting, but I bet he redeems himself as well.

Supporting Actor:

Tom Cruise: For Rock of Ages, very, very possible. Tom Cruise’s comeback will be complete. He’s already proven that he can be good and bring back the box office returns. He never lost that loving feeling though. Trailer

Django Unchained: will have at least one supporting actor nominated: Kurt Russell, Samuel L, Gordon Levitt, Don Johnson, Christopher Waltz. The odds are good, especially with Tarantino writing.

The Master: One supporting for this as well. Reason: PTA. Anderson always writes for the supporting actors like a god, go back and watch Magnolia or Boogie Nights, every supporting actor could be potentially nominated for those films. Look for Phillip Seymour to come out on top in the film.

John Goodman: For Trouble with the Curve. Goodman has always been a great supporting actor, no wins though. He and Clint hanging out should be fun. It helped Morgan Freeman.

Longshot: Kevin Costner: For Man of Steel  Did you see this man’s eulogy Whitney Eulogy? He appeared as the wisest man on earth with humor and insights. He’s charming and we miss him. And he may ride in on the Whitney Factor.

WINNER: TOM CRUISE- payback for Top Gun not sweeping every award category back in the day. TOP GUN according to Tarantino

However, I still believe in Nic Cage in the Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation-Cage already nominated for this) penned musical Frank or Francis. Only he can destroy Cruise. Depends if it is released in time. 
Screenplays:

Everyone from Best Picture and throw in Woody Allen.

WINNER: DARK KNIGHT RISES, unless it is considered adapted.

Best Adapted:
All the best pictures that were adapted and throw in:

Gambit: Best Adapted Screenplays, got to love the Coen Brothers, but why didn’t they direct this?

WINNER: DARK KNIGHT RISES, unless it is considered original.



Those are your winners, sorry for the spoilers a year early. Tomorrow, the 2014 Oscars. I can’t be stopped.

The Hollywood Defender

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Jack Sparrow VS. Catwoman: LA Street Fight


“Fire officials responded to a battery call around 5:30 p.m. to learn that a fight between Catwoman and an Ozzy Osbourne impersonator had ended with him getting pepper sprayed (outside The Kodak Theater).
Initial reports identified a man dressed as Jack Sparrow of "Pirates of the Caribbean" as having been the victim.”-NBCLA The Article

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Oscar Races (Hint: White)



“Oscar voters are nearly 94% Caucasian and 77% male, The Times found. Blacks are about 2% of the academy, and Latinos are less than 2%... Oscar voters have a median age of 62. Hundreds of academy voters haven’t worked on a movie in decades. 64% have no nomination or award.”

The roster also features actors far better known for their television acting, such as Erik Estrada from "CHiPs," 
 -LA TIMES By John Horn, Nicole Sperling and Doug Smith, Los Angeles Times

This looks bad. It does. It looks really bad. And sexist. And racist too. Which are also bad. Unless you’re a racist, then probably looks all right, then again maybe 94% is a little low for you.

One: I have my hands full.

Two: No one takes a cheap shot at CHP Officer Francis Llewelyn "Ponch" Poncherello and gets away with it.

To begin with, we immediately assume that because the voters are of the same race that they will vote the same way. But because the votes are confidential, no such conclusion can be drawn. Correlation maybe, but certainly not causation, we don’t have the proof.

Now Denzel Washington suggested a possible fix to the system: "If the country is 12% black, make the academy 12% black," Washington said. "If the nation is 15% Hispanic, make the academy 15% Hispanic. Why not?"

The idea fixes the racial imbalance, but do equal race percentages determine whether a movie deserves to win an Academy Award? Would this truly help us find the definitive “Best” of the year?

I think the Oscar for “Best Costume” tells you all you need to know about these awards. You can win an Oscar for the same thing that you were awarded a ribbon for at your Halloween party.

And when I’m voting on best costume at my Halloween party, I’m voting on what goes over the skin, not the skin itself.  

So it’s obvious that the criteria based on voters’ vast knowledge of their craft and its current trends.

LA TIMES: “Hundreds of academy voters haven’t worked on a movie in decades. 64% have no nomination or award.” O and by the way “Erik Estrada.” Bitch.

ME: O yeah, um… ok… well… how about this then…

Awards are based on choice, bias. We aren’t giving awards based on cash flow, merchandising, or box office success. A quantifiable amount does not exist in voting.

The basis is: perceived quality.

This isn’t sports, we don’t have a Super Bowl, the "end all, be all" game decide once and for all whose best (and even then it is who is best on that day). We can’t determine that definitively. Movies get hot and cold, we’re all excited about an Oscar Favorite and then we sour on it. Our tastes change.

LA TIMES: “The organization oversees 126 million dollars in assets.” These tastes do matter.

ME: Let’s change the idea, let’s say, everyone in America gets to vote on the awards. But then people will be just an unhappy with the result because their film didn’t win anyway. No one will ever be happy when it comes to voting, except the winners.

Either way there are always losers. Some perceived injustice will have been committed.

Yes, I know losing or winning an academy award affects careers as well. Watch a trailer and see how they list the cast. Starring Academy Award winner Meryl Streep, Academy award winner Colin Firth, and Academy Award winner Denzel Washington. It’s marketing, it matters.

My suggestion is at your Oscar pool fill out your ballet not on who you think will win, but whom you want to win. And don’t watch the awards. Just walk away. Tweet a nice message to the actor or give it 100% on Rottentomatoes.

KILLSHOT on THE TIMES:

There’s inequality in Hollywood, it’s true, whether in the awards or the movies themselves. But the problem lies with us, not Hollywood.

We don’t stand up and say, “I’m not seeing movies until there are more black leads or Latino leads or Asian leads”(in fact the article does not mention the absence of Asians in voting, it is only mention by Bernie Casey, an actor).

We don’t ask for these castings so they aren’t giving them to us. Remember Hollywood isn’t making these movies for themselves; they are making them for you.

I love Hollywood and I will defend it to its death. And I love the Oscars, but we are never going to get this right. There is no best. Woody Allen says we should just nominate our favorites and they all win. I agree. Everybody’s a winner, except the losers. But we want a winner, we want a definitive answer. And we aren’t ever going to get it and we are always going to be unhappy.

LA TIMES: ERIK ESTRADA!

ME: I don’t want to live in a world where this man didn’t help select “what is best in life.”


I win.

And
I win. 

The Hollywood Defender


Monday, February 20, 2012

Sunday, February 19, 2012

My Weakness


 We all have weaknesses.

I thought I didn’t, I thought I was the one without one.

I remember talking to Superman a few years ago at an Unemployment Benefit. And he asked me, “How do you do it? What’s your secret?”

Friday, February 17, 2012

Pitch of the Week


Taken 2

In Disguise



9 AM.

Classroom.

Berkeley. 25AC: Drama of American Cultures.

The Professor asks, like she does everyday, if anyone has any announcements.

A young upstart student shoots his hand up.

The Professor, unsuspectingly, chooses him. Little does she know, that student is the Hollywood Defender in disguise.

I spoke:
“Hi my name is Vladimir Monstroff. I work for an organization called THD, which is designed to support former bay area artists with new projects. This weekend THD is proud to welcome back an artist that studied at the American Conservatory Theater and continues to promote the elite status of that institution. So I urge you to check out Ghost Rider Spirit of a Vengeance in 3D starring Nic Cage, former resident artist.”

The students laugh.

I tell them that, “Whoever laughed, WILL NOT, repeat, WILL NOT receive a flyer.”

I continue:

“I saw it last night at midnight and let me tell you it was quite incredible. Spend the extra money on the 3D glasses your eyes will thank you. With this flyer, your tickets will be somewhere under 25 dollars. “

I then proceed to pass out flyers.

The Professor: “Ok…”

As if The Hollywood Defender had destroyed the purity of morning announcements.


The Hollywood Defender





Thursday, February 16, 2012

Nemesis


Every true hero needs a nemesis.

Someone who represents the very antithesis of my being.

The Luther to my Superman, The Joker to my Batman, The Nightmare to my Ghost Rider.

In my case, his name is:

Roger Ebert.

The man, if we can even call him that, dismisses movies with the simple turn of a thumb. His negativity knows no bounds as he uses his pen to propagandize against Hollywood. He asks why so many “bad” movies are made, but movies are the very reason he exists.

We have had many a battle and yet we still live.


Don’t let his current state fool you, he still possesses all his powers. And I’m sure our battle will be renewed tonight after he reviews Ghost Rider Spirit of a Vengeance.

The table is set.

Your move, Ebert.

The Hollywood Defender