Monday, February 27, 2012

JLo's Nipple and its Historical Significance for Earth

The word nipple first appeared, according to around 1520-1530, apparently people were even unsure then to whether it appeared definitively or not. It’s etmology: "nyppell, alteration of neble, problably dim. Of O.E. (Olde English), neb “bill, beak, snout”, hence, lit. “a small projection.”

According to Nipple: The pigmented projection on the surface of the breast. Ducts that conduct milk from the mammary glands to the surface of the breast exit through the nipple. The surrounding flat area of pigmentation is the areola.

The nipple has a strange capacity to blend in with the skin, we think we see it and then it's gone. I believe the military is working on a similar technology. (I wrote that part, not from the

Nipples have always been popular, and hold strong demographics with babies and adult men. The height of their popularity was 2004 when Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed showing not only a nipple, but a nipple ring, which appeared for? I’d like to give you time to guess how long it appeared for dramatic effect.

And guess…


No cheating.


No seriously, guess, please.



The answer: “nine-sixteenths of one second.” .5625 secs. 9/16ths of one second. Proof.
Yet, 9/16ths of one second was enough to launch a cultural phenomenon. Ever since, nipple transformed into a religious icon of sorts, we are as excited to see them as when Jesus appears in our soup.

I was 14 when Jackson’s nipple appeared. I wasn’t shocked, I wasn’t appalled. I felt nothing. My dad came home and asked if anything interesting had happened, “I said not really.” I wasn’t lying. Interesting that I remember this, it might be my generation’s “Where were you when?” And for most of my generation’s answer for this question will be “On my phone, on the internet, or watching tv.”

But thanks to be very lonely in highschool and most of college, I have developed an eye or stare for this type of thing. When completely deprived of sexual and emotional attention, we begin to see a lot of things, mostly because we aren’t seeing anyone. Hence, I can see nipple when no one else can.

And so we arrive at today. Times have changed, TVs have gotten bigger, HD has gotten better, so even more analysis goes into whether we saw the ever elusive nipple or not. Watch an old movie in HD, you'll be surprised at what you can see, filmmakers, television directors, and certainly censors just never expected things to be that clear. 

Which brings us to tonight, but first, we have to look at the history of JLo’s public and film nudity history. Yes, this exists online. Yes, I am now contributing to that compendium of knowledge.

Her breast appears in the film U-Turn, according to Mr. Skin, a nipple connsiuer if you will.Mr. Skin . However, this was a long time ago in 1997, her nipples may have undergone massive changes. Mine for instance are now covered in massive amounts of hair, my parents tell me this wasn’t true at my birth. 

As far as nipple slips, recently in 2011, Nip Slip 1.  J.Lo has slipped before on a German TV . According to the reporter, this was the third nip slip of the week for celebrities. 

Ok, but this let’s us compare to what we saw tonight: 
 The image above, which has been enhanced by Gawker as if it were a replay of a football game on NBC. The dress slides back and to the left, however this does not conclusively show whether we saw a nipple, we need NFL referee Ed Hoculi  ED explains.

Then again, that was J.Lo’s right breast on German TV, not her left, and as scientists we cannot simply assume that the left breast is an exact copy.

But why are we so fascinated by this? It’s because this is the best chance of our sexual contact with J.Lo. We won’t date her, we won’t ever hang out with her, and we certainly won’t be having sex with her. Ever.

And J.Lo is on top right now, she isn’t into drugs, she isn’t struggling to keep her career alive. It’s better than ever, she’s got Idol, advertising for everything, and a new movie coming out. Why is this is a big deal? Because we like J.Lo again, we are hoping that we had a moment with one of the most beautiful women alive. We are hoping that it was more than a shadow and that’s why we are analyzing it like it was the Zapruder film.  

However, the most interesting thing about the photo is not the nipple or the breasts. It’s that J.Lo’s boobs have been placed on top of Cameron Diaz’s face, that's 3 pairs to 1 face ratio. Which is perhaps the best criticism of all of this. We see boobs and nipples everywhere and they blind us to everything else.

And we, like the pictured Diaz, have become them.  

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