Sunday, February 19, 2012

My Weakness


 We all have weaknesses.

I thought I didn’t, I thought I was the one without one.

I remember talking to Superman a few years ago at an Unemployment Benefit. And he asked me, “How do you do it? What’s your secret?”


I patted him on the back (surprisingly flabby) and said, “No weaknesses, my friend.” Of course Superman wasn’t my friend at this point, he had sent out a nasty tweet saying he didn’t believe the apocalypse ending in Knowing, because he could have stopped it. But that’s another story.

There was a time when my villains would put me in situations, where I would have to choose between the city and my girl. I always saved the city. Unwittingly, they saved me from a lot of uncomfortable break-ups.

On Thursday night, I found my weakness. Or it found me.

A weak bladder.

What kind of man has to pee three times before a movie?

Three times, I went up and down those stairs. Three times, I had to duck down to get back to my seat. Three times, did I scrub my hands with antibacterial soap, possibly creating a super bug to contend with later.

And every time I unzipped, there were just a few drops, when it felt as if Niagara was about to have competition.

Perhaps it was excitement, but no, this has been happening for years.  I just failed to realize it.

I walked out in part of Avatar, and in part of the The Dark Knight in order to relieve myself. I’ve never been able to live down that shame.

Even before Real Steel (also great, but I wasn’t terribly excited), 3 times.

Previously, my urination record was one of legend. The ability protected me from the dangers of public institutions, the bushes, and the sides of cars.

Meanwhile…rumor has it that Ebert can devour 3 Big Gulps during every screening without so much as a pang of seeking relief.

And at the end of Ghost Rider Spirit of a Vengeance, I rushed to the bathroom again, barely able contain myself. Not even having the strength to see if there was a teaser for the sequel.

The worst part, I had not had anything to drink for 3 hours before the film.

We all have weaknesses.

I have to pee.


The Hollywood Defender

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