Sunday, March 11, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter... We Should Have Known

If it’s all in the name, then this movie truly has it all.

Hollywood certainly could have flopped on this movie, but judging from the trailer they most certainly have not.

The easy way out was to have made the movie “Campy,” which in my opinion would have been a complete cop-out. They are standing up for a piece of pulp fiction and saying that it deserves to be taken seriously as an action flick.

When Hollywood is in on “the joke” the movie usually never reaches the heights it could. Piranha 3D is a great example, although the actors do a fantastic job of hiding that they are in on it, it is marketed and sold as a joke. The camp value wasn’t there, because Hollywood knew it was campy.

Meanwhile with the new ALVH trailer, they could have gone to camp:

We Hear Lincoln’s Voice: Four Score and Seven…

Lincoln stops. He draws a pistol and shoots Seward in the chest. A bat flies out.

Lincoln: Will there be any further interruptions? As I was saying… Four Score and Seven Years Ago.  

But no, instead the trailer hides the fact that this is Abraham Lincoln from us until the very end. We can’t help but think who is this badass? Is it Liam Neeson? Jason Statham? Could he be a genetic mutation of both?

Then Lincoln places the stovetop in its rightful place. BOOM! Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Liam Neeson who?

The name Lincoln is one of the best we have in our history, but then as if it needed a calling card, they add a great one: Vampire Hunter. I don’t know if I will be able to discuss our 16th president without using it.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter freed the slaves. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter saved the union. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter just killed that Gettysburg Address.

And I’m not sure I’ll recognize his name without it.

So I saw a great doc on Abraham Lincoln the other day.


Abraham Lincoln.  16th president.

Oh… you mean Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Gotcha. How was it? 

By rousing our cultural institution of the greatest President, Hollywood’s plan is full proof for garnering wonderful reviews.

Lincoln constitutes a political and moral God. That’s why Democrats always say they love a Lincoln, a Republican, and this somehow translates into bi-partisanship. It’s a call for unity and has always been.

Which is bad news for critics and great news if the movie flops because you can’t really hate on Lincoln. Try to think of a negative about him. You can’t because we haven’t been taught any. Negative Lincoln puns will be labeled with an inclusion of John Wilkes Booth will be labeled “too soon” and be as derisive as “Chink in the armor” headlines for Jeremy Lin.

Lincoln is also already an established hero and this film taps into that. We as Americans believe Lincoln could do anything, so why shouldn’t he be able to kill Vampires for a living while managing to run the country?

While George Washington: Vampire Hunter, doesn’t quite make it, I’m not buying it. He just doesn’t own that mystique the way Lincoln does. And based on his accomplished resume, it’s totally plausible. I think if you list his accomplishments and slipped in Vampire Hunter, it would slip by without question by an employer.

This movie will be great. It can’t be anything else. And I, personally, welcome a new superhero into the fray. Even if he’s always been one, we just hadn’t realized it. 

The Hollywood Defender

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