Sunday, March 4, 2012

Live Blog Titanic II (2010): Warning Spoilers

As the Hollywood Defender I like to test myself to see if I can stay positive during movies that people have told me are worse than death. This assumes death takes only 1 hr. and 30 minutes. Titanic II can be found on instant Netflix. 

First thought: Surprising opening sequence is a Man on a surfboard, I am not sure what the odds were against this, but I am all in for the opening twist.

The Surfboarder is riding a large wave created by a large piece of glacier falling.

He is wearing a swimmer cap with a brim. I already purchased one, here’s the link.

He just died in an iceberg after he was swallowed by another glacier falling. I didn’t learn his name, I was really connected with his story and I hope at some point he will be mourned properly.

I am already impressed with the budget and look of the film.

They have named the ship Titanic II, I am going to assume that they are assuming that a gigantic ship of the same name, will not crash. I like the theory: Two things by the same name both can’t be bad.

Every woman is beautiful. The lead looks like a mix of Topanga from Boy Meets World and Mandy Moore.

A rich character named Hayden has entered, with a past of un-cockiness, despite having 3 women on his arms.

I have connected with Hayden, we both love the name Tammy. I swear if the lead actress let’s go of him like Winslet did to Leo, I will never forgive her.

“Titanic II barely passed safety inspection”, I’m worried about my theory. Called the girlfriend to tell her I’m rethinking the name Hitler II.

Hayden just honored the lost lives on the original Titanic. This movie is so good that I have to refer to the other as the Original Titanic.

Hayden looks a lot like Thor, regretting I had that thought in case I ruined a plot twist.

I like this, but I think I’m going to wait till it is released in 3D, before I love it more.

Impressive CGI on the ship as people wave to their family members, no irony here, this ship will not crash, I am re-certain, if that was a word.

Whoa! Hayden also wrote and directed this film. Auteur, a young Orson Welles.

The father in this film looks like Rutger Hauer, the businessman in the first Batman that Bruce Wayne displaces. I can’t help but think why didn’t he ever seek his revenge on Batman, I thought that was going to be a major plot line, but I looked and he doesn’t appear in The Dark Knight Rises.

Hayden owns the Titanic II. I love his arrogance in calling his ship the name of a cursed ship. Also hoping his arrogance told him that lifeboats were not necessary. This is a severely flawed, but fascinating character piece.

Hayden and Amy have a connection. It’s like watching the Bachelor, they watch sunsets. This is true love, they will figure out how to make it work by the end.

According to, there was another Titanic II in 2002: A young woman obsessed with "Titanic" (and identifying a bit too much with the heroine of that film) gets to play her fantasy to the hilt when she meets a free-spirited but penniless young man who works as a janitor at a Titanic artifact exhibit. But life has a way of not quite working out the way it does in Hollywood blockbusters.
The tagline: Nothing on earth could prevent a sequel.

Hayden is a true visionary and he is directing his ship toward icy waters. The great heroes are the ones that truly believe in their products. Steve Jobs wasn’t man enough to take an Apple underwater.

“Titanic was warned about icebergs 6 times and did nothing”- Amy’s friend informs us.

Hayden has three women on his arms. He makes Tony Stark look celibate. One of his girls looks like one from Sister Sister, which is most accurate representation of twins since Full House.

Why aren’t there more shows about twins?

Plot development: They just announced that they might crash into an iceberg being propelled by a giant wave. However, the Titanic II has radars that can detect ice cubes in the water according to Hayden.

I’m rooting for Hayden with all my mite.

The quality of people on ship look very poor compared to the passengers in the original Titanic. This movie shows a wonderful vision of the democratization of cruise ship passengers. We’ve come a long way.

Good choice not to make the camera bob and weave like we were on the ocean, which just makes me sick.

The captain is now worried about the engines.

I think the ship is getting longer in each shot, has Hayden stuck in a brilliant phallic image like Hitchcock in North by Northwest?

The captain has come over the loudspeaker: “Get your life vests on.”

After the announcement, everyone stood in silence and did not seem too concerned that the ship may sink. They have confidence in Hayden…and now they are running and screaming… traitors.

Titanic II has a pool on board.

Impact moment: No one has a live vest on. Listen to your captain folks.

Ok, this is not Hayden’s fault as the ship sinks. They didn’t crash into an iceberg, they were hit by a wave carrying an iceberg. This was unexpected and Hayden should not be judged poorly in the press for this, but you know the critics will hate him.

An abnormally large man in a grey sweat suit has made an appearance.

The lifeboats are “showboats” and are not for actual use. Is that Hayden’s fault? No. He was a big fan of musical as a kid and simply thought that the lifeboats were designed after the boat in that movie. I’m filling viewers in on backstory that was not feature in the film because of a scene that was cut, I assume. Damn economic cuts.

“History is repeating itself.” –Captain. He completely turned on Hayden, unfairly and early. I hate to wish death on imaginary characters, but I am wishing like Snow White right now.

I’m glad they went with orange life vests. Too often we settle for yellow or blue.

Kelly, Amy’s friend, just had a file cabinet crush her. They are taking care of her, by asking for a credit card, but Hayden can’t find the tape. He found it.

Hayden just taped a credit card over her wound to stop it from bleeding. MacGyver! Possible mistake: Hayden’s card wasn’t a black card… but he probably doesn’t have one because he doesn’t want other to feel bad.

There’s no band… yet…

The Titanic II does have yellow submarines to escape from the sinking ship.

This is a well-built ship, the elevator still works. We need to rethink conclusions about Hayden.

The captain is going down with the ship. I now respect him. Damn. And he’s dead. Don’t go negative, lesson learned.

Plot development: A second wave is coming.

Can you make Titanic III, or is it too unbelievable. Come on Hayden give me a teaser or at least the possibility of a third.

Are the insides of Helicopter’s always lit green? I’ve learned something again.

Father of girl and Hayden have reconciled. He is now going to save them in the helicopter.

Realization: Hayden is definitely going to jail for this, the lifeboat “deathtrap” will not look good in court. This means he probably has to die… I am depressed.

Friend just got crushed in the door, but it allowed Hayden to get through the door. Hayden mentions, “At least she didn’t die for nothing.” I am thinking of a way where that doesn’t sound cold… Got it! But I’m not going to ruin it for you.

Hayden went first over the electrified water instead of letting the girl, obviously believes in the greater good.

Hayden really cares about being in this movie. He’s done strong action sequences, strong emotional parts.  He’s working his ass off to make this great. And it’s working.  

Girl: “It’s not your fault.” After Hayden developed survivor’s guilt. She’s right, no one could have possibly have foreseen this.

Movie trend: People on submarines will take off their headphones to their equipment when they see something bad is coming their way.

Movie update: Ship capsized.

Just like the original, it is very difficult to open doors when your ship is sinking. Possibly windows as well.

Legal Note: by calling the ship Titanic II, Hayden escapes any copyright cases from James Cameron, because it refers to the name of the ship, not a sequel. By the way James Cameron is being sued for allegedly stealing ideas for Titanic.

No “wearing only this” sketch scene yet, not sure when they are going to fit it in.

Hayden is freezing to death, while the girl sits in the warm wet suit. He’s learned something. I will be incredibly sad if he dies.

I’m watching Hayden freeze to death… and dead. 

Eulogy: Hayden we hardly knew ye. But I felt as if I knew you my entire my life in the brief time we spent together. I’ll never forget the first time I saw you walking with three sure-fire call girls on your arms, that’s when I knew I had a friend. Not just a friend, a best friend, one that I could count on when the shit started to sink. People thought you were a simple playboy who simply inherited his father’s money and would do nothing with it. Nothing important. Well you showed them didn’t you buddy? When people told you it couldn’t be done, you didn’t listen, you kept pushing for something that may have seem crazy to others, but wasn’t to you. When they said have adequate lifeboats, you said, “Fuck you.” When they said don’t name it Titanic II, you said, “Fuck you.” And you showed them and are a model of excellence for all future entrepreneur and humans everywhere. I will miss you my friend. I will miss you, as we all will. You learned to love in such a short period of time, and we grew to love you. Goodbye and may God greet you in heaven with a fleet of indestructible boats. 

The Hollywood Defender

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