Sunday, April 29, 2012

Surviving on an Island with TV Commercial Products

The question: If you were stuck on a desert island and could only use the products advertised to you by your favorite show, would you survive?

The rules are simple:

1.     Record the products (not services, like a movie, or website, nor can it be just that store. For instance, it could be a Wendy’s chicken sandwich, but not just Wendy's)
2.     Analyze the products
3.     Survive or die

The following are the products from an Episode of Smash from ON DEMAND ( a show directed toward females):

Tj max
Progressive insurance
Farmers insurance
1% cash- B of A

Honda civic (sorry no gas)
Bmw (vacation shelter)

Analysis: So Chevron and Shell didn’t advertise, which means you’re out of luck, but since you’re on a desert island, there’s not a lot of places to drive anyway. Both cars should provide an adequate shelter from the elements and a comfortable place to sleep, and nice trunk space to store coconuts and food.

McDonalds, premium chicken sand and 3rd pounder
Hellman’s mayonnaise

Sadly the premium chicken and 3rd pounder already are doused in mayonnaise. The mayonnaise would eventually rot and cause bigger problems than it’s worth. But the 2 sandwiches could probably provide you with a week worth of food. Damn McDonalds for not giving you a Coke to drink with it. I will never complain about bottled water commercials again. What would you trade for a PUR water filter at this point?

Dove nutrium body wash
Claritin clear
Mabeline NYE super stay 14 hour
Angel soft toilet paper with 70% more sheets

Good news, you’ll be staying clean and beautiful to disguise your starvation, when they find your body, you’ll be wiped clean, with no zits, beautifully dove soft skin, and 14 hour lipstick. The bad news you’re dead, but it’s better to live in luxury even when you’re dying.

IPHONE with siri
Droid Razor max
Samsung galaxy note

No cellphone reception on an Island, you could talk to Siri until her battery runs out and set a calendar for things (like Zooey DeChannel and Sam L.) you’ll never actually live long enough to do.

The lucky one movie- efron
Betty white’s off their rockers
Law and order svu
America’s got talent
Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today show

Depending on when you get stranded, the better off you are. If it’s now, you only get the tease of the Olympics, which are always so amazing that they do have the ability to make you forget that we are all dead. The Olympics only being a little while off could give you something to do, like train for them, and then put in a request for country approval so that you could compete.

All these shows are great, oh, you don’t have a TV. Yeah….

Survival time: 3 days. (Hope you’re found). 

The Hollywood Defender

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Dick Clark Memories, NYE, 25,000 Pyramid

I was first introduced to Dick Clark over 14 years ago in The Waterboy (1998). Bobby sat in his mother’s hospital room with her on NYE and Dick Clark was hosting New Year’s Rockin Eve:

Bobby: “Look who’s on the television Mama…The Devil”

The line has always stuck with me, I at the time had no idea who Dick Clark was. I was 8 and didn’t stay up for New Years Eve, bed time was 8:30. But now I knew he was big enough for a punch line, he was a specific cultural identity. The line has always stuck with me and when I had heard that Dick Clark had died, it’s what my mind went to immediately.

                                          Start at 8:42

I got “to know” Mr. Clark when my Mom discovered the Gameshow Network on DirecTV, despite my Dad valiant attempt to hide it from her for years with a child protection lock on the channel. 

She loved the show the 25,000 Dollar Pyramid and later the 100,000 increase or inflation. And the host was none other than Dick Clark. I loved hearing his jokes in his announcer voice, he mixed his sultry tones with dialogue that was lacking at its very foundation: humor. 

His puns and jests were cheesy, but they had a sincere quality mixed with vulnerability from a man who truly believed his quips were funny. And he would laugh and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself and he made otherwise boring hours with my mother completely satisfying.

 But this wasn’t even the best part of Pyramid, it came after a contest had just lost out on the 25 thousand dollar prize. Dick would wander in lean up against the rail and from his John Wayne position of power would suggest better clues so that the contestant could get it right. This happened right after they had lost 25,000 dollar. He’s the best example of 20/20 hindsight in the world. In my life, when I feel I may have said the wrong thing, the Dick Clark in my head saunters over and comes up with 4 or 5 better options for lines to pick up girls or things to say during an interview.

But I think what I will most about Dick Clark is him introducing The New Year. After his stroke, which severely impaired his once iconic voice, he continued to give the intro. There was always a mix of sadness for the man and admiration. During his presentation, there are always the inevitable Dick Clark jokes about his condition. 

And it isn’t as if Clark didn’t know about the criticism, but it was his New Year, it was his show, and he’d be damned if anyone was going to take that away from him. 

I hope that when I get to be as old as Dick Clark was, that I’m a badass MF who doesn’t give a shit what people think because I’m doing something that makes me happy and I’ll never give that up come hell or high water. (The Dick Clark in my head told me to say that). 

Thanks for the Memories and Lessons Mr. Clark, you will be missed.

The Hollywood Defender

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Men of GCB

GCB, secretly known as Good Christian Bitches, is a perfect title for a show that masks dirty sex jokes behind the guise of Christian scripture. The show revolves around a woman who returns to Texas after her husband died while receiving oral copulation from another woman while driving. On her return, she must deal with high school rivals to whom she used to bully.

The women are the stars of the show, including the incredibly funny Kristin Chenoweth and a scene stealing Jennifer Aspen as Sharon Peachem, who spawned the brilliant idea for a bible inspired diet called “Losing it With Jesus.”

But the real reason to watch the show is… wait for it… the men. 

Not because they have the best lines, 

Not because their the best actors… 

But because they're not. 

The men are given so few lines when they aren’t shirtless that their delivery becomes an anticipated event.

 Every time I see a man on screen, I get so excited about the possibility of them speaking that I immediately turn the volume up. 

From the Christian Minister to the collection of husbands come off like soft-core porn stars who have wandered on to the set. 

That isn’t to say they aren’t good, what I’m saying it is fantastic. Their performances are infinitely fun because they are such shallow portraits of men that their shallowness actually creates depth. This is because you have to imagine and justify for yourself why any of these men would say these things, and you end up with elaborate backstories for the male characters. 

The show knows its audience and its delivering the goods of sex and sassy Texas women, but no matter how many beautiful women they put on this show, I'll still be watching for the men. 

The Hollywood Defender

Sunday, April 15, 2012

LOL starring Miley Cyrus, Overanalyzing the Trailer

In another attempt to prove I have too much time on my hands, I just spent an hour analyzing a 2 minute trailer, I hear writing jobs are nice... or actual jobs. But it has Miley Cyrus, so it's all worth it. 

The first thing of note is the “green band” trailer. Parents are strongly cautioned with a PG-13 rating: For Mature Thematic Content Involving Teen Sexuality And Drug And Alcohol Use, And For Language. (Grease had Teen sexuality too, of course all of those actors were like 30, not sure if that counts).

Within the PG-13 Rating, there is the opportunity for one “F-Bomb”, here’s to hoping that Miley drops it.

Produced by Mandate and Lionsgate the production companies behind Hunger Games, Juno, 50/50… there’s a strong chance with this team that this movie will not be horrible. This also means that Disney is not attached… I’m worried this is Miley’s Shia LeBeouf moment, where she has a clean break and Hannah Montana is no more…

Narration by Miley Cyrus in the trailer, I assume this will also be the case for the movie as well. This means we get an interior monologue from none other than Miley. I need to hear Miley discussing world views and trying to apply them to high school. It’s like Carrie Bradshaw with a southern twang and possibly a facebook.

Quick fade out as Miley goes in for a kiss, hoping this is what counts as Teen sexuality. Stay pure Miley! Stay pure!

“Every year it’s weird going back to school, but here we are just going with the flow: Trying to love and laugh out loud, which is nice because my name is Lola, but everyone calls me LOL” I am wondering what kind of person would be called LOL, obviously a funny one, but what kind? A prat fall person, a witty observationist, or maybe a prop comic? Praying for prop comic played by Miley.

Dramatic tension set up: Relationship status changed to boyfriend.
(2 seconds later)
SHIT! What an asshole! He already cheated on her, and didn’t call or text her. High school guys are shit. High school guys are shit. Call or text, fellas, two options. There’s also email, twitter, insta-gram, or you know like write someone you love a blog, no excuse for no contact. Although, I will give him credit, he did tell Miley right to her fact that he cheated on her.

Miley falls in to bed crying, luckily Demi Moore is her mom. Inside their house however, is a canvas photo of two girls standing back to back, none of who are Miley. This is just another example of what I like to call “Mom cheating” it’s where your mom likes other things or other people your age more than you. It hurts more than real cheating because you gave them the joy of childbirth.

Statement of possible un-pure Miley: “I’m not a baby anymore.”

“It’s so not the perfect day.” Followed by a status change to: “EX-Boyfriend.” I am little worried that Facebook was not on board with this project, I’m not a fan of fake Facebook-like website in movies. Facebook needs the AOL strategy of naming a movie after their catchphrase, “You’ve Got Mail.” Come on Facebook, step it up, you’re making me think that Miley isn’t cool because she doesn’t have a Facebook and I know that’s not true.

Eww…. Unpure Miley, shared a sucker/lollipop with another guy who is “so gorgeous it hurts” according to her friend. As we know from childhood, don’t share lollipop especially with hand drawn owls. (Poor turtle, I forgot he was in the ad as a cameo, for some reason I believed he had his own but like he said, “He could never make it without biting.” After watching this ad, I am positive he dies right after the kid walks away… Moment of silence… now can we have an owl movie where the owl isn’t a pompous douche? Poor owls come off as the 1% in everything or at least British).

Miley: “You really are amazing”
Boy: “No, you’re amazing”
Repeating compliments is lame, because eventually you have a big fight about who really is actually “amazing” and break up. Line fix is easy, just show the girl that you have a better vocabulary than them: “You’re stupendous.” This also works in restaurants when the waitress asks, “How’s everything?” You respond, “Exquisite.”

Status update: “New Boyfriend??” Only two question marks because Miley knows she’s got him in the bag.

“Friendship is not that easy to turn into love” I’m wondering if you could live by these rules now or observations, they are on the border between obviously simple and brilliant because they are obviously simple. I will let her final words of trailer help me decide.

Hints that Ex-Boyfriend might be the bad guy in this movie, “ I see that now you’re giving it up, so I thought maybe I could get some.” You say this shit, and Miley pushes you into a steel gate.
Nothing scarier than a girl wanting to beat you up, I’m completely serious. At the bar the other night, this black woman and this guy looked like they were going to throw down after some racist terms were dropped. I was in sweats for the guy because I noticed that the girl’s boyfriend didn’t step in, which translates to she can “F” some people up. Miley belongs in this category of J’LO in ENOUGH, you just don’t mess with chicks, not to mention the super powers of hormones gushing through a high schoolers veins. Twice as dangerous.

“C in history, a D in biology, Lola what are you thinking?”- Mom
Lola: “It’s not my fault.”
She’s right it’s history and bio’s fault for being so darn hard. Why don’t subjects make it easier for us? We always have to be the ones to work hard at them. When was the last time your bio book slipped you an answer on a test? Never. Screw you bio and screw you history, it’s your faults.

Boy: “I really want to kiss you”
Miley (Looking drunk): “Me too.”
I already talked about repeating things, this isn’t Steve Carrell playing David Caruso in Jade, this doesn’t work, it leads to arguments.

They kissed! PURE MILEY!!! NO!!!! Don’t die. I miss you. My second childhood is over…

“It’s so good to love someone so much it hurts”- She’s getting closer to the genius category, one more line at the end of the trailer ought to do it.

Mom: “I’m sorry”
Miley: “I’m sorry too”
Damn it, stop repeating each other, or I’ll never know who is really sorry and I hate when Miley and Mom fight, especially when Billy Ray is no where to be seen.

Hollywood Defender: “I’m sorry I got mad Miley. I didn’t mean it.”
Miley: “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
HD: “…I can accept that”
Miley: “I can accept that as well.”
HD: “…ok.”
Miley: “ok too.”
HD: “Hmmm (thinking)…I want you to marry me, so I can be in your next movie and make it super rich and be the chorus on your album”
Miley: “Hmmm… no.”
HD: “Damn, I thought it would work.”

She did not drop a last bit of knowledge of us. But I feel as if the trailer communicated it for us, “It’s not that we showed you everything and all the plot twists, in fact we did, but that’s how good this movie is. We could ruin all the twists for you and you will still love it.”

 The Hollywood Defender

Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Three Stooges, Box Office, and Hunger Games

When I first saw the Three Stooges Trailer, even I was worried about quality, it looked flat, unfunny, and painful. I prayed for a mistake, that they hadn’t shown the funny parts, but with a comedy script sitting on the shelf for about 25 years (New York Post) and with stars the likes of Sean Penn, Jim Carrey, and Benicio Del Toro dropping out, indications weren't good. 

Comedies have the hardest time maintaining their punch over the years, what’s funny changes, especially shock comedy which the directors the Farrelly Brothers specialize in. (Needless to say, King Pin is actually better now that it was then, Bill Murray’s is so over the top funny, that I’m not sure anyone else could have pulled it off.)

It wasn’t until the television spot that challenged the critics that I knew The Three Stooges was going to be great. They called out their future naysayers, “The New York Times will never know what hit it” in their trailer. The advertising geniuses must have felt that most people are already split on whether the Stooges are funny or not, so why not take a shot at the critics? And guess what? They landed many positive reviews and a 42%, which is actually pretty good for a comedy.

From that moment, I knew this project was going to be something different. I was on born, gung-ho for a comedy team of the Stooges that I knew little about. 

And it’s a passion project, these are the types of films I want to see made. And if you want to talk passion project, look at the Farrelly Brothers donating a percentage of the back-end of the film to the Stooges. 

And The Stooges, of all movies, has a chance to take down Hunger Games from the top box office spot this weekend, although when I tried to see Hunger Games this Friday it was sold out. But this time I’m having faith, I’m trusting that people want to laugh with their kids at a fun PG movie and have two generations meet in laughter. 

The Hollywood Defender