13 years ago I was sleeping over at my friend’s house, we had just finished playing Star Fox on N64, and we were talking about “R” rated movies we’d seen. I told him that my Dad had let me see parts of True Lies and a little bit of The Professional. Then he told me that on his illegal black box for cable (remember those?) there was this movie. In it a woman just took off her clothes and everyone watched, he called it “American Pie.”
Me: She just takes off her clothes?
Me: Like past the (I motion to the bra area).
Me: And it’s not covered? You see the (I motion to the bra area)
Me: Not blurred?
This conversation was repeated at least five times with my instigation. He swore to truth and I spent the next 2 years of my life wondering what this scene could possibly be like. I didn’t have the internet until 7th grade and when I did it was Net Zero free, I guess my parents didn’t think the internet would catch on (side note: I would tell my friends to look up 7up.com and Dr. Pepper.com because I was so impressed that these entities had websites and could only imagine how awesome they were). So times were more difficult, the beginning of the internet were very difficult for all of us, so when we wanted to see stuff we had to be much more crafty.
I had so many plans and schemes in order to try to catch a glimpse of this film over the two year gap. I tried to give my friend a tape so he could record it for me, no cigar. One plan was to pray that it would be on in the first 5 minutes during the teaser that DirectTV would put forth in order to garner your purchase. Turns out it was just Jim watching scrambled porn, oh how I envied him. I couldn’t help but think if they’d given me 6 minutes I could have seen what I wanted.
One of plan I hatched was to figure out how to order it on Pay-per-view, steal my dad’s bill and pay for it myself, all without him knowing.
Further down the line, I finally mustered up the courage when my Dad said I could pick out a movie for myself at Circuit City. I grabbed American Pie. My Dad looked at me and then the DVD, “You know this is R right? And there’s a naked… uh…” He looked at me again, “Don’t tell your mother.” That was my sex talk, that was my Dad understanding what I was going through. That or he just didn't want to scream at me in a store full of people.
And I finally saw it, I saw the scene that people had told me about for years, it would take me another 6 years to get my first kiss, another 9 years to get laid, but I consider this my first sexual conquest.
Watching American Pie Reunion tonight, was different for me because I wasn’t in high school when it came out, I don’t have kids yet, I don’t have much in common with them. But I am graduating.
I never know how old I am until I realize how old the comedies are that came out in my lifetime. Austin Powers 2: 13 years old. Meet the Parents: 12 years old. The Waterboy: 14 years old. These numbers shock me more than my age. How can these movies be so old? I mean my God! The Hangover came out 3 years ago.
I’m not too far off from my own 1st high school reunion and it would be nice if I could say I’d done something besides watched movies and watched them age.
The Hollywood Defender