Monday, April 9, 2012

The Client List Live Blog, Jennifer Love Hewitt's Disappearing Cleavage

THE CLIENT LIST follows Riley Parks whose husband abandons her, so she becomes a masseuse that gives happy endings to high end clients to help her family make ends meat. The Client List currently airs Sunday on Lifetime. Here's a link to the first episode in case you missed it: THE LINK

The following is my live-blog for the show, in case you're extremely lonely and need someone to talk to or you like to read run-on sentences and paragraphs:

First image: Naked guy getting on to a massage table,
Second Image: Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) getting dressed behind a white screen.
Third Image: Do we need one?

Its important to get straight to the heart of the matter. Lifetime altered their promotions for the show by digitally removing much of JLH’s cleavage according to The image on the right is certainly... sorry I lost my train of thought. I've written extensively on "boobage" in the past, but this is quite awesome. It is very rare that TV tries to clean up cleavage. Want proof? Watch one episode of Modern Family's Sophia Vergara, it's a family friendly show with the most amount of cleavage I've ever seen, that is also constantly used as a joke. Exploding cleavage on TV is at all time high, most tops are right on the border so to speak, especially since all the hullaballoo about Janet Jackson's nipple. Post Jackson, we live in a world where you don't have to have great boobs, it's more important to have great cleavage. (I feel like Bluto from Animal House I have no idea where this is going: 

Anyway, JLH's prominent cleavage is so prominent that we may as well just call it boobs at this point, there's more boob than "not boob" in the ratio. In the photo on the left there isn't so much what you would call cleavage, but rather a miniscule crevasse. In the end,  I'm more concerned about the touch up on the eyes, her left eye looks slightly lazy, and let me assure you that JLH's eyes are not lazy, but in prime physical condition. 

History: She used to be a good family woman, but in financial woes, however she still rocks the tie off shirt at the belly button.

First sex scene: 3:53 seconds in. Then cut to a giant train. I love phallic imagery.

This show is already classier than I expected. I just watched her girlfriend put deodorant on for her? If any women who read this blog could respond if they’ve ever done this for another woman, I would be extremely interested, since I have never applied deodorant to another man or woman. Can another person create better coverage on the sweat glands, is that why my shirts are constantly soaked or stained?

The idea that she has no idea that she’s working at a brothel is a fantastic idea for a show. The guy keeps suggesting that she massages him in the “Hips and legs” area. What other jobs could one possibly be doing that has other connotations? 
1. Brick Layer 
2. Escort ( probably should have gone first)
3. I'm out, please feel free to leave ones I missed out on in the comment section. 

First commercial break:  I think I was expecting dirtier and edgier, I was thinking more of an FX or HBO take on the show, but watching it now it feels very similar to the style of GCB and Desperate Housewives. This may explain the clean up the cleavage in Lifetime’s promotion of the show. What show a network lands on really affects the content of the show. 
I was reading recently in THR’s feature on the Showtime Network and it detailed how many of the major networks passed on Homeland but Showtime shrewdly picked it up, but as much as we congratulate the writers and actors, the brand deserves lauding as well because the show probably wouldn’t be the same as if it were on a lighter network like CBS. Other shows that I wished landed on other networks: Strip Poker originally on USA (they had so many layers of clothing on, seriously who wears three bras? Seriously three bras?) I am very nervous that NBC’s adaptation of The Silence of the Lamb series into the television show Hannibal, will not be able to reach the creepiness and horrifying nature of that a creature such as Hannibal Lecter deserves. 
However, if NBC does what I think they will do and hides much of the violence, the show coul truly benefit from it, which would kick our imaginations in to high gear. The problem becomes when they try to depict shocking violence that doesn’t reach that level, but I think that NBC will steer clear of that and focus more on the cerebral elements. Comment below on shows that you think may have been completely different if they landed on different networks.

Back from Commercial: 90% of what they do is legal. JLH “does not give extras.” My network prediction may have been wrong, and I instantly regret it. The show may choose to slowly bleed into the type of degredation that I expected.

Her best friend pops Xanax and drinks wine. I don’t have friends like this, but I really want them.

Montage of bad experiences in “legit” the massage world: Guy with a lot of hair. The montage seems to be building up to the inevitable conclusion that she should just have sex with the high end clients. Let me just say, as a hairy man, we prefer to call ourselves “Teddy Bears”, and I for one hope that we don’t turn women to prostitution. I am not sure I could live with that on my conscience. Yes, I understand her husband leaving may be a larger contributing factor and the need to pay the mortgage. But despite all that, I’m still not shaving. If you’ve seen the 40 Year Old Virgin, you know what I mean, but that was extreme. Lesser example of what “Teddy Bears” go through: I can’t use band-aids because they hurt to much too pull off.

I often wonder what my clientele would be interested in paying to have sex with me. I wish this was an option on facebook, I’m not saying I would do anything, but I would like to know who would be willing to pay to have sex with me and how much. If it would be more than a dollar, there's a high chance I would be so honored that I would have to. 

We are back to the first scene. And JLH looks spectacular. So spectacular that I don’t find her attractive. Unattainably good looking. A woman in my book reaches a certain level of hotness where she is so hot that she becomes unattractive. It’s because if I ever fantasized about her, my brain would create an immediate disconnect and send a message to the rest of my body saying, “We know it’s your fantasy, but even here this isn’t happening. She's out of your fantasy league.” This happens with way too many women for me, I got shut down by Barbara Walters the other night, and not young Babs either. 

There was not much to the first encounter with a client. If I had kids I am certain I could watch it in the same room while they were playing. There's enough "not sex" happening and the "sex" is only hinted at and generally followed by a cut away. 

Key words to getting a happy ending: “I have tension in my upper groin area.” The girls at the massage place call it “giving extras.” Now I don’t know anything about this, but she only has given “hjs” so far.

JLH has found that men “maybe just want someone to talk to”. The men may be biased in this regard because she is pleasuring them. I once discussed the intricacies and limits of presidential power to try to have a girl come home with me.

So far she’s had 8 or 9 guys it was difficult to tell during the montage of her touching men. They are high end clients, one of them mentioned he was in the oil business or maybe that was just a sexual innuendo I didn’t pick up on right away.

I just came up with a  great idea for watching television online: You have to buy all the small items they advertise just to see what you end up with. Or if you don’t have a lot of money, you can just make a list. Then see if you can survive on just those items for a couple days. You’ll learn a lot about what you are watching if you do. For instance if you watched ESPN, you would end up with a lot of alcohol and Doritos, and at least 3 cars, and probably 3 new phones... and a new championship shirt from SI of the team who recently won a championship. You can't eat shirts ladies and gentleman. 

“WHORE” was spray painted on her mid side SUV. What would people write on my car? Probably “Genius” and on the other side “JK.”

Prostitutes with a  heart of gold are a staple in film and television. I’d like to see a show about really mean prostitutes that just insult their clients without being paid to do so.

Plot turn that eventually will develop: Friends find out that she’s a prostitute. If my friends found out I was a prostitute, I would like to think that they’d be proud of me, but mostly very confused. It’s interesting to think about, but I think for me the biggest change is that anything I said would immediately be taken in a sexual context from that time on. You would be transformed into the ‘she’ from “that’s what she said.” I always felt bad for that “she.”

JLH is intervening in another woman’s marriage, one whose huband she rubs. Better yet, that wife is now taking advice from her and hey are now crying together. JLH said, “Man won’t look elsewhere if he’s getting what he needs at home.” Not true, men will always look elsewhere, we just won’t go elsewhere, mostly cause it’s far and sports are on.

Question just for women: There’s always been a trend of men doing manual labor without a shirt on is extremely sexy, especially when they are glistening in sweat and are ripped. Would they be more or less sexy if we kept the physical conditions the same and replaced gardening or construction with say… I don’t know… typing a blog?

I’m positive that you could give Lifetime any horrible condition or premise for a show and they could give it a life-affirming lesson. It’s a fun game to play with your friends, one person gives the condition, the other is Lifetime and gives the lesson. For example:
Person 1: A Cellist loses all her right hand in a tragic pancake griddle accident.
Lifetime: The woman learns the value of receiving a helping hand from her Guatemalan handy man, who immigrated to escape political persecution, as they learn to put the music back into their lives. (Tell me you wouldn't watch it, tell me that). 

Show just ended. I will watch this again. It’s the perfect mix of cheesy and goodness. A good show you can watch with the girlfriend or by yourself if you are extremely lonely or hairy and write blogs.

The Hollywood Defender

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