The first thing of note is the “green band” trailer. Parents are strongly cautioned with a PG-13 rating: For Mature Thematic Content Involving Teen Sexuality And Drug And Alcohol Use, And For Language. (Grease had Teen sexuality too, of course all of those actors were like 30, not sure if that counts).
Within the PG-13 Rating, there is the opportunity for one “F-Bomb”, here’s to hoping that Miley drops it.
Produced by Mandate and Lionsgate the production companies behind Hunger Games, Juno, 50/50… there’s a strong chance with this team that this movie will not be horrible. This also means that Disney is not attached… I’m worried this is Miley’s Shia LeBeouf moment, where she has a clean break and Hannah Montana is no more…
Narration by Miley Cyrus in the trailer, I assume this will also be the case for the movie as well. This means we get an interior monologue from none other than Miley. I need to hear Miley discussing world views and trying to apply them to high school. It’s like Carrie Bradshaw with a southern twang and possibly a facebook.
Quick fade out as Miley goes in for a kiss, hoping this is what counts as Teen sexuality. Stay pure Miley! Stay pure!
“Every year it’s weird going back to school, but here we are just going with the flow: Trying to love and laugh out loud, which is nice because my name is Lola, but everyone calls me LOL” I am wondering what kind of person would be called LOL, obviously a funny one, but what kind? A prat fall person, a witty observationist, or maybe a prop comic? Praying for prop comic played by Miley.
Dramatic tension set up: Relationship status changed to boyfriend.
(2 seconds later)
SHIT! What an asshole! He already cheated on her, and didn’t call or text her. High school guys are shit. High school guys are shit. Call or text, fellas, two options. There’s also email, twitter, insta-gram, or you know like write someone you love a blog, no excuse for no contact. Although, I will give him credit, he did tell Miley right to her fact that he cheated on her.
Miley falls in to bed crying, luckily Demi Moore is her mom. Inside their house however, is a canvas photo of two girls standing back to back, none of who are Miley. This is just another example of what I like to call “Mom cheating” it’s where your mom likes other things or other people your age more than you. It hurts more than real cheating because you gave them the joy of childbirth.
Statement of possible un-pure Miley: “I’m not a baby anymore.”
“It’s so not the perfect day.” Followed by a status change to: “EX-Boyfriend.” I am little worried that Facebook was not on board with this project, I’m not a fan of fake Facebook-like website in movies. Facebook needs the AOL strategy of naming a movie after their catchphrase, “You’ve Got Mail.” Come on Facebook, step it up, you’re making me think that Miley isn’t cool because she doesn’t have a Facebook and I know that’s not true.
Eww…. Unpure Miley, shared a sucker/lollipop with another guy who is “so gorgeous it hurts” according to her friend. As we know from childhood, don’t share lollipop especially with hand drawn owls. (Poor turtle, I forgot he was in the ad as a cameo, for some reason I believed he had his own but like he said, “He could never make it without biting.” After watching this ad, I am positive he dies right after the kid walks away… Moment of silence… now can we have an owl movie where the owl isn’t a pompous douche? Poor owls come off as the 1% in everything or at least British).
Miley: “You really are amazing”
Boy: “No, you’re amazing”
Repeating compliments is lame, because eventually you have a big fight about who really is actually “amazing” and break up. Line fix is easy, just show the girl that you have a better vocabulary than them: “You’re stupendous.” This also works in restaurants when the waitress asks, “How’s everything?” You respond, “Exquisite.”
Status update: “New Boyfriend??” Only two question marks because Miley knows she’s got him in the bag.
“Friendship is not that easy to turn into love” I’m wondering if you could live by these rules now or observations, they are on the border between obviously simple and brilliant because they are obviously simple. I will let her final words of trailer help me decide.
Hints that Ex-Boyfriend might be the bad guy in this movie, “ I see that now you’re giving it up, so I thought maybe I could get some.” You say this shit, and Miley pushes you into a steel gate.
Nothing scarier than a girl wanting to beat you up, I’m completely serious. At the bar the other night, this black woman and this guy looked like they were going to throw down after some racist terms were dropped. I was in sweats for the guy because I noticed that the girl’s boyfriend didn’t step in, which translates to she can “F” some people up. Miley belongs in this category of J’LO in ENOUGH, you just don’t mess with chicks, not to mention the super powers of hormones gushing through a high schoolers veins. Twice as dangerous.
“C in history, a D in biology, Lola what are you thinking?”- Mom
Lola: “It’s not my fault.”
She’s right it’s history and bio’s fault for being so darn hard. Why don’t subjects make it easier for us? We always have to be the ones to work hard at them. When was the last time your bio book slipped you an answer on a test? Never. Screw you bio and screw you history, it’s your faults.
Boy: “I really want to kiss you”
Miley (Looking drunk): “Me too.”
I already talked about repeating things, this isn’t Steve Carrell playing David Caruso in Jade, this doesn’t work, it leads to arguments.
They kissed! PURE MILEY!!! NO!!!! Don’t die. I miss you. My second childhood is over…
“It’s so good to love someone so much it hurts”- She’s getting closer to the genius category, one more line at the end of the trailer ought to do it.
Mom: “I’m sorry”
Miley: “I’m sorry too”
Damn it, stop repeating each other, or I’ll never know who is really sorry and I hate when Miley and Mom fight, especially when Billy Ray is no where to be seen.
Hollywood Defender: “I’m sorry I got mad Miley. I didn’t mean it.”
Miley: “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
HD: “…I can accept that”
Miley: “I can accept that as well.”
Miley: “ok too.”
HD: “Hmmm (thinking)…I want you to marry me, so I can be in your next movie and make it super rich and be the chorus on your album”
Miley: “Hmmm… no.”
HD: “Damn, I thought it would work.”
She did not drop a last bit of knowledge of us. But I feel as if the trailer communicated it for us, “It’s not that we showed you everything and all the plot twists, in fact we did, but that’s how good this movie is. We could ruin all the twists for you and you will still love it.”
The Hollywood Defender