Tuesday, April 3, 2012

ON DEMAND RUSSIAN ROULETTE


I was bored, so I invented a game called ON DEMAND RUSSIAN ROULETTE. The rules are simple: 
1. Find a random show on your ON DEMAND
2. pull the trigger. 

It came down to Car Bait (watch criminals try to steal a car that cops have cameras on) or Billy Exterminator. A little Vietnamese man kept yelling at me when I didn't have the guts to pull the trigger: 


But I finally did and Tonight Billy Exterminator shot me; I wonder what this show is about. Oh, he’s an exterminator.

-Billy has a look that begs so many questions like, where can I get it?



 -Characters listed in opening credits: Billy, Bill’s mom, Billy’s Dad, Ricky Billy’s brother… holy shit, Billy has a wife, I am unbelievably pumped that they saved that for last, that was a plot twist I did not see coming.

-The company symbol is a cartoon version of skull and crossbones

-Raccoons are very dangerous when cornered, especially in children's forts. 

-Of note: Billy has the voice of like a 12-year-old girl

-Roommate wonders, “Who would ever hire this person?”
- I wonder, “Especially with a camera crew.”

-       He looks like Guy Fieri lost weight, but says cooler things as if that were possible. 

 No one would go on his website and see him and think, “hmm… I bet this man knows what he’s doing.”

Best part of this show is that there have been no references to Billy’s qualifications for having this show or being like a top exterminator. I’m positive they saw Billy and just said, “Fuck it, we have to give him a show, based on looks alone.”

-He has nothing to say and he’s explaining that catching raccoons is like brain surgery or something. I am in love.

-Billy is going to attempt a live removal of bees, which means he won’t kill any bees… and he just killed a bee that was in his suit.


So I was bored, so I invented a game called ON DEMAND ROULETTE. It’s where you go through ON DEMAND

-       A & E proudly brings me this program; I keep mistaking this show for a biography of Gary Busey. Needless to say, Busey was tremendous as THE ROCKET in ROOKIE of THE YEAR, Chet Stedman greatest movie pitcher along with Billy Chapel and Rick Vaughn. 


-Billy used the words “time to start sucking” referring to the bees. I am not entirely sure he’s smart enough to know he made an obvious sexual innuendo joke.
-This show cost less than a dollar to make. A&E got advertising for it like Proactiv. I am in awe of their greatness.


-       Three-minute scene has Billy’s dad wearing goggles and the rest of the family calling him a dork. Billy wasn’t even there. Roommate has deemed it the “meaningless side plot”

As far as I can tell this show may just be an extended Anti-mite commercial.

With a little research I have discovered that this show got picked up for season 2 and is well into their second season. A little more research, this show has changed titles many times and has actually been on for 5 seasons. This shocks me because this was not the pilot but well into their show, can’t imagine how great and uncomfortable the first episode is.

Billy also sports the thinnest sunglasses in the world.

O boy! Billy has been doing this for 23 years. He’s qualified.

He just gave the homeowner a large jar of honey and stuck his finger in it to taste it.

It occurs to me that some people may enjoy this show in a non-joking way. It occurs to me that I am one of them. I may have been slightly negative at the beginning, but damn it, I am in now. I may have gone to far with this Hollywood Defender identity. I am already worried that Billy spends too much time at work away from his wife. This is a worse sign for me than for Billy’s marriage.

Billy’s look reveals it self bit by bit to me. It was too much stimuli at first. So my eyes have noticed that Billy doesn’t wear sleeves.

Billy converses with a raccoon for what can only be described as an abnormal amount of time.

The family owns three large black trucks with company insignia and a go-cart.

Mom and Dad go for a ride with his goggles on his motorcycle at the end, great side plot.

Last line: “You know those are birth control glasses, you know that.”

The Hollywood Defender


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