Sunday, June 24, 2012

Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Mary Todd (1 or 0)

Yes, I know Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter isn’t historically It’s a revisionist history to be certain. I can deal with leaps of faith and I love conspiracy theories and I was sold in the first few minutes that our 16th President also served as one of the nation’s great Vampire killers. However, some times a movie can stretch the truth too far and that’s when I figured out that Lincoln didn’t kill neck biting corpses. And it all had to do with Mary Todd, the 1st lady.

I’ve read Lincoln by Gore Vidal, I’ve read history text books, and have been in possession of at least two five dollar bills. I believe this qualifies me as an expert in all things Todd. But for you, I’ll break it down, there’s two things you need to know about the woman: 1. She was slightly insane, suffering from bipolar or schitzo 2. She was not good looking.

For years, I’ve always held that against Lincoln, I thought a man of his stature deserved his Jackie Kennedy in the Civil War years, who would look dashing in uniform and presidential dresses. However, he chose Todd, a wealthy aristocrat, who in my humble opinion is unseemingly. Lincoln is no looker himself, often compared to an ape in his own time, hence the simple transformation in Planet of the Apes. Licoln was also thought to have a higher voice than the deep baritone. Not to mention, rumors of homoeroticism.

But he was the man who would be president and at the present moment nobody thinks Lincoln is bad looking, his prose flawless, his mole a symbol of sexual prowess, and he was tall, ladies and that the meant the same thing in the Civil War as it means now.

So why? Why her?

 (In her defense she appears to be attending a funeral)

 (I still haven’t decided whether it is ethical, reasonable, or logical to discuss the hotness of people who died 150 years ago. My moral obligations are quelled when it was obvious that Civil War Era people most certainly debated the hotness of people of the future).

 And that brings us back to the movie. Who would I have cast as Lady Lincoln? I don’t know, Kathy Bates, Melissa McCarthy (both who I love), but this chick?

Mary Elizabeth Winstead! Holy Shit. Move over Michelle and Hillary, there's a new hottie in town.  And that's exactly what I said in the theater when she appeared. 

Wow. Yes she had make up in the movie, but she was so thin she could stand atop Lincoln’s hat to kiss him. When she was introduced, it was evident there were possible undercurrents of viewing a Presidential sex scene. And cause it was R-rated for an incomprehensible reason (what history teacher wouldn't send his students to this?) I came to the only logical conclusion of Presidential coitus.

It doesn’t happen to my chagrin.

I’m rambling, but that moment put it over the top, I was no longer convinced of the veracity of what I first thought was a beautiful found footage documentary converted to 3D. But I’d like to thank Hollywood, for finally giving our greatest President the wife he deserved all along. 

You're next, Martha Washington. 

(It appears that George was simply in love with himself)

The Hollywood Defender

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