Friday, June 29, 2012

Saying Goodbye to TomKat (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes)

When Johnny Depp’s partnership ended with him dating part time lesbian Amber Heard (I assume that all lesbians are part time lesbians when it comes to Johnny Depp) my world was shaken and I was expecting anything.

But not this. 
Not the end of TomKat.

After "a little more than five years of marriage" (a little more? how about the most intense love passion ever is more like it) the couple was brilliant together as chronicled in the short sentences summing up a marriage by E

The article in 17 sentences breaks down the significant events in the marriage like in February 2009: “Cruise and Holmes enjoy a family vacation to Disney World.” It’s hard not see how that may have been the beginning of the end because anyone who knows Cruise knows he hates to wait in lines, while Holmes suffers from severe motion sickness (something Cruise did not empathize with because he’s Maverick).

However, the couple will most certainly be remembered for Cruise jumping on the couch. 

But what most don’t know is that Cruise found the couch very uncomfortable (Oprah keeps a firm couch, it’s how she elicits so many tears) and was simply trying to loosens it up.

And now people will recall the interview with puns and headlines and inevitably bringing up the troubled marriages of Scientology’s biggest stars Will Smith, Travolta, and now Cruise. “If Travolta didn’t get divorced, what did Cruise do to have Holmes asking for full custody of their daughter?” TMZ will most certainly wonder. 

Lurid details will come out of the levees of their private life together because this story’s gonna have legs, long legs. Cruise, known for his privacy, will have to conduct a 60 Minutes interview eventually to set the record straight. Until then I’ll have to deal with the ticking time bomb that may be Katie Holmes, who might, when pressed, reveal that Cruise is a mere mortal.

All this overshadows that the couple was nearly ingenious, missing out by only one letter when naming their daughter Suri instead of Siri. Maybe the recent success of Siri compared to that of their seven year old daughter was too much for the couple to bear.

Marriages ending are never funny because you have to wonder about what happens to the kids. In this case, what will happen to Suri and me. 

I, as the Hollywood Defender, never want to take sides in a celebrity divorce. Tom has put me through this twice before with Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman both which significantly affected my enjoyment of Austin Powers and Australia. However, playing the fence seems dishonest and when it comes down to it I always go with the bigger star.

So, as much as it pains me to say this Katie, I liked Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes better than your incarnation in the Batman Trilogy.

This is going to be tough on me, maybe a photo montage will set my mind at ease and remind me of the great memories we shared together. 

And now he runs alone. 

Run Tom.


(Sidenote: I spelled Maggie Gyllenhaal correctly without looking at IMDB, things are already looking up). 

The Hollywood Defender

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