Friday, August 31, 2012

Clint Eastwood and Empty Chairs

In Honor of Clint Eastwood, here's old people rambling and doing silly, but awesome things other than talking to empty chairs that the POTUS is supposed to be in. 


No Country For Old Men

Grandpa Pickles

Old guy

How to use a webcam: 

Justin Bieber's Grandparents

Old people rocking out

Whatever the hell this is: 

The Hollywood Defender

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bullet to the Head Trailer BREAKDOWN

Time for Another Hollywood Defender Trailer Breakdown, so let's do it on this new Stallone trailer. DX Style. BREAK IT DOWN!

Cue Stallone narration.

Cue bullet penetrating Production company logos.

Cue Death of a partner.

Cue Asian guy replacement.

Cue Racist Line against Asian replacement, “What ya gonna do? Bring out some Kung-Fu from the homeland?”

Cue Asian Replacement kicking ass, then correcting Stallone on his racist assumption, “I was born in Florida.”

(Asians are getting even more shit. This is the fourth action movie (Total Recall, Expendables 2, Premium Rush, and now Bullet to the Head) that is taking a big old poop on them. I get it putting an Asian in for overseas money, but do we have to make fun of them for being Asian, can't they just be Asian and it not be a big deal?)

Cue Stallone understanding and laughing.

Cue Friendship and Respect.

Cue Bad Guy Threats. Stallone being told off by helper bad guy Christian Slater. Remember when Slater was a lead bad guy... good times. 

Cue Do Anything attitude. Stallone Response: shooting Christian Slater in the face. Didn't think Slater would make it through the whole movie, thought he'd make it through the whole trailer. 

Cue Morality Argument by Asian Replacement against senseless killing.

Cue Stallone non-chalantly shrugging him off because Stallone lives in the real world, damn it.

Cue Familial Conflict. Stallone’s daughter being kidnapped. Why don’t people give Stallone shit for stealing the plot of Taken? Stop hating on Nicolas Cage. You heard me world, stop doing it, I won’t tolerate this insubordinance.

Cue “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner from the 80s.

Cue me thinking that Stallone still only has a tape deck.

Cue Generational conflict. Asian guy making fun of Stallone for music choice.

Cue Me thinking about Stallone's internal dialogue: " He's a foreigner, he should like this." 

Cue More Generational Conflict. Stallone didn’t know they don’t make records anymore. (Sidenote: They do, it’s a hipster thing, which technically and ironically makes Stallone the cooler of the partners. Knew it!)

Cue Ax Fight, explosions, car chases, gun fights. I can’t remember the last great Ax fight I saw.

Cue Stallone final line and life philosophy.

Cue Bullet to the Head. 

The Hollywood Defender

Discovering Jean-Claude Van Damme

I’d never seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme (the hyphen is neccessary) movie, the only reason I knew him was because as a kid I was a huge Dennis Rodman fan and they were in Double Team (not a porno), together which I never saw. By the way, was there anyone cooler than Dennis Rodman if you were a kid? You could change the color of his hair on NBA HANGTIME by pressing Right C on N64, no one, and I mean no one, not even Jordan, was cooler. He also is the punchline in the last joke in MIB, one of the coolest 90s movie, “Not much of  disguise [if he’s from another planet].” In addition, he and Hollywood Hogan fought Karl Malone and DDP at Bash at the Beach. All I can say is I miss the 90s and Attitude era wrestling.

I just saw Van Damme “make the save of the year” in the Stanley Cup Final, not impressed? What if I were to tell you that Van Damme doesn’t play hockey, and that he’s a cop or a security guard, I came in late. And this isn’t like Invincible, he’s not a cop or security guard with a  secret talent for hockey, he’s just a cop who winds up in the game in order to disguise himself. Are you impressed yet?

The movie's called Sudden Death and I'm happy to report my life has been changed forever, seeing him in Expendables 2 didn't really count, sure he kicks a knife into a guy's chest, but anyone can do that, especially if it's a Ronco knife. 

I’d write more, but Van Damme just signaled to his kid in the crowd with a secret hand gesture, I don’t think it is possible for me to love him more… nope wait I do, he’s engaged in hand to hand combat with a villain on top of the stadium. O yeah, he beats up a Penguin Mascot too, and when I say beats up, I mean he kills him. He kills a mascot. Do I need to repeat that? He kills a mascot... on purpose. Like purposefully kills a penguin mascot, the most huggable of all mascots. He kills it. Kills it dead. Kills it real dead.  

I’m still trying to figure out why the NHL OK’d this movie? The answer: The 90s. 

The Hollywood Defender

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Premium Rush: A Quiet/Modest Action Flick

Watching the first 20 minutes of Premium Rush, I was convinced that it was a TV movie for Nickelodeon that had been thrust into theaters because a studio needed to fill a weekend spot.

20 minutes in, I was convinced this movie sat on the self and was only released after Joseph Gordon Levitt became a bonafide A lister with Inception, DKR, and 50/50.

20 minutes in, my friend leaned over to me and said, “I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.” I nodded.

20 minutes in, I wondered if the screenwriter David Koepp had really written Jurassic Park or if Spielberg had just let real dinosaurs eat his actors and filmed it.

21 minutes in. I was sold. I loved the movie.

The movie doesn’t try to be more than it is, a ridiculous movie about biking, and 21 minutes in, it was as if Koepp said, “You know what, fuck drama and suspense. I’m making a comedy.” And he did. And it’s hilarious, specifically the possibility of a bike nailing a baby carriage. Thank you Koepp, it was like watching the lawyer being eaten off the toilet all over again.


It’s quiet, the bike chases don’t make a lot of noise like car chases, so the sound impact is less. I wonder if at any point the production designer thought about putting a baseball card in between the wheels to make the chase scenes have that extra punch.

JGL (Levitt, damn I just realized in explaining that I typed his name anyway) isn’t trying to stop a nuclear war, he’s just trying to get money from point A to point B.  It was nice to think, “Wow, I bet this could almost happen.”

Couldn’t decide whether it was a good thing or bad thing for Lance Armstrong to lose all his Tour De France Titles on the same weekend this opened. Is this the most important week in biking ever? Freaking yes.

The movie was made all the more awesome because I can’t bike. I remember when I was learning my grandma would push me… from the side.

Michael Shannon, the cop, completely chews the scenery in this film. Every time he’s on screen, the film jumps to another level. So many actors would have simply mailed this film in and cashed their check, not Shannon he creates a character that become pitiable and you’re actually a little heartbroken by his demise.

Asians! This is the third action film this summer that I’ve seen that tears Asians a new one. Total Recall, Expendables 2, and now Premium Rush have laid Asians low. Shannon’s character hurls as many racial slurs as J.W. Pepper in James Bond films. 

Maybe white people are mad at how good Raid Redemption was or is it cool to make fun of Asians right now? If so let me know.

The Hollywood Defender

Friday, August 24, 2012

Neil, The Fatty in Paranorman

Obesity stats according to CDC:

Immediate health effects:
  • Obese youth are more likely to have risk factors for cardiovascular disease, such as high cholesterol or high blood pressure. In a population-based sample of 5- to 17-year-olds, 70% of obese youth had at least one risk factor for cardiovascular disease.7
  • Obese adolescents are more likely to have prediabetes, a condition in which blood glucose levels indicate a high risk for development of diabetes.8,9
  • Children and adolescents who are obese are at greater risk for bone and joint problems, sleep apnea, and social and psychological problems such as stigmatization and poor self-esteem.5,6,10
Long-term health effects:
  • Children and adolescents who are obese are likely to be obese as adults11-14 and are therefore more at risk for adult health problems such as heart disease, type 2 diabetes, stroke, several types of cancer, and osteoarthritis.6  One study showed that children who became obese as early as age 2 were more likely to be obese as adults.12
  • Overweight and obesity are associated with increased risk for many types of cancer, including cancer of the breast, colon, endometrium, esophagus, kidney, pancreas, gall bladder, thyroid, ovary, cervix, and prostate, as well as multiple myeloma and Hodgkin’s lymphoma.15

The point is we need to enjoy fat kids, while we can, before they're gone or so sick with health problems that they aren't funny anymore. Here's a list of some of my favorites from the past. 

1.     Russell-Up

2.     Fat Bear- Lorax, a blog already written: Fat Bear Blog, Yes, I realize he's a bear, but look how cute he is. 

3.     Bad Santa Thurman Merman who changed the way we pronounce sandwiches.

And now Neil from Paranorman (psst... he's on the right). 

Neil right down to his "Gym" letterman’s jacket is a walking, heavily sweating fat joke. His highlights include:
1.     Claiming to have pectorals instead of boobs, but after he’s punched in them, he admits, “Ow, my boobs!”
2.     Eating a bag of cheesy chips, plopped in front of a television watching an aerobic video, which has been paused on the instructor’s bubble but.
3.     Divulging that walking too fast puts him into heavy sweats
4.     Belly hanging out over shirt
5.     Fat Stereotype- Incredibly nice
6.     Fat stereotype- Incredibly loyal and understanding (who else are they going to hang out with)
7.     “Fatty” written on his locker
8.     Fat people equated in outcast-ness with people who speak to the dead
9.     Very Jolly

Not surprisingly, he’s the best thing in the movie, his exuberance for life can barely be contained on screen, same goes for his 3d width (fat joke, BOOM!). Are fat kids and animals a staple in kids movies? Yes because we can all identify with the fat kid and if we can’t they’re funny as hell.

(Sidenote: Major thumbs up to the maker’s of this movie who outed Neil’s overly muscular brother Mitch at the end, it was shocking and awesome as he revealed he had a boyfriend. It’s one of the first openly gay cartoon characters in a children’s movie that I can remember. If the fat kid bit is old, this was new, fresh, and important in kid’s movies moving toward understanding of others, which the film was all about. It made me proud to be in a kid's theater all alone, well as proud as you can be in that terribly lonely and awkward situation.)

The Hollywood Defender

The second Entry in the Fat Cartoon Chronicles