Monday, August 13, 2012

Rotten Tomatoes Fill-In the Blank Reviews

Movie review Fill in the Blank

Assembled from the dastardly one liners of hyperbole in Rotten Tomatoes,  here’s your chance to guess the metaphors and hate filled blanks and find out if you have what it takes to take a shit on movies.

Total Recall

James Rocchi 
MSN Movies

Wiseman directs his film as if it's a shark... But really, it's more of a _______, shiny and pretty but fat and dopey, fed on nothing but scavenged leftovers.

Answer: Carp

Richard Corliss 
TIME Magazine

Questions, questions nip at Len Wiseman's Total Recall like so many _______ at the feet of a sleeping ________. The big Why is Why bother?

Answers: Rats, Hobo

The Watch

Jake Coyle 
Associated Press

Though many of the jokes land, some of them feel like a game of ___________________.

Answer: penis-related Mad Libs

James Berardinelli 

The Watch is a studio __________ marinated in _________ that stinks worse than ______________.

Answers: turd, eau de skunk, week-old fish

The Bourne Legacy

Michael Atkinson 
Village Voice

The Bourne films have more than just overstayed their welcome and outlasted the Ludlum books -- they've been ________________, with an abrupt change of frontman and a resulting dip in personality.

Answers: Van Halenized

The Dark Knight Rises

Rex Reed 
New York Observer

Speaking lines they cannot possibly understand, not one actor makes any attempt to be believable. So manufactured and synthetic that they eventually lose all sense of reality, they're like reconstituted ­­­_________ and processed ________________.

Answers: orange juice, cheese

Hope Springs

Mark Feeney 
Boston Globe

"Hope Springs" panders with the clumsiness of grown-ups trying to do ____________ dance moves.

Answer: "Step Up"


Score 0: You either love all these movies or put in more vile answers, possibly comparing Total Recall to Roger Ebert’s penis.

1-5: You’ve been reading reviews or got to lazy to finish the quiz deciding that the distain for these films was lacking and not worth your time.

5-8: Lazy Plagiarist, if you’re going to out of your way to look up the reviews at least spell cheese without a fourth “e”

9-10: Start a blog that no one reads.

11: Satan

The Hollywood Defender

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